I love it when an author comes right out and tells me about him or herself. I especially loved Lysa TerKerust’s introduction of herself in Made to Crave. I never expected to have a book on healthful eating, weight loss, exercise, and dieting cause me to bust out laughing. I think I sort of scared Matt, who was reading beside me. He was probably reading something really serious or thought-provoking while I was reading about how the author is “emotionally allergic to typical books on healthy eating.” Yep. I knew immediately that I was reading the right book!
Just a few paragraphs later Lysa had me on the verge of tears as I read her words that echoed my own current state of mind. “…the thought of taking the plunge and signing up for another diet made me want to sit down and cry. And eat. And cry some more. Then eat some more.” I am in a place where I need to find the healthy Jennifer. Not just the skinny one, the healthy one. The Jennifer who doesn’t register as obese on the BMI charts. (I just wrote that… I bet by the time I publish this I’ll remove it.)
I found my cycle of weight to be annoying and, in March, it finally got the best of me. I wrote the following letter to a friend, not in an attempt to get her pity, but because I needed to. (If you’re a woman, you know what I mean. I’m not sure if men ever do this, but sometimes we just have to vent.)
I’m feeling very disheartened about my weight and the fact that all the exercise in the world is not seeming to change a thing.
I had hoped to be a good 20 lbs lighter by now and I think after the first 5 weeks of Insanity I expected to have gotten at least a good deal closer to that. Because of seeing no progress (in my tummy and thighs specifically) I think I’ve been sabotaging myself. Not intentionally, and I don’t eat a whole cake in a sitting, but it is so hard for me to lose weight that any splurging keeps me at a plateau.
Though I said recently that I really do exercise for the long-term health benefits, I really do need to see some results. I am tired of getting motivated, seeing results and then plateauing only to get discouraged and bounce back up again. I see it being my curse for the rest of my life.
The thing that hurts so much is that I know it’s all my fault and every time I look at myself I feel so angry and disgusted.
So, all that to ask you to say some prayers for my mental state and for me to be able to a) find the time needed to exercise, b) accept that some things may not change, ever, c) stop sabotaging myself by eating junk, though I am so tired of documenting everything I eat.
I’m tired of my BMI placing me in the obese category. I don’t always feel fat but this past week has been rough.
Soooo… that hurts to read.
In the introduction Lysa describes this very cycle: “A whole lifetime could be spent making excuses, giving in, feeling guilty, resolving to do better, mentally beating myself up for not sticking to my resolve, feeling like a failure, and then resigning myself to the fact that things can’t change.”
Did you notice that?
My letter to my friend and Lysa’s paragraph are quite similar.
And that’s why this book has been so helpful to me. The Introduction is titled, “Finding your ‘Want To'” and it so fitting. It’s not that I can’t exercise often or eat well, but usually I just don’t want to. I’m not one of those people who actually likes to exercise. I have friends like that. I don’t know how they were raised or what gene they got that made them like to exercise, but I wish I had it. I think…
See, God made me this way and He made me knowing that I would not like exercise. I haven’t figured out how that fits into the whole ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’ part but I have a feeling He’s going to reveal it to me. I think He’s going to tell me something about how running even when I don’t want to is creating within me a character trait He likes. I don’t know just yet. All I know is that I am still not a huge fan of exercising or sweating. Right now I am simply asking God on a daily basis for “…just enough “want to,” laced with His strength…”