It was an unconventional start to the school year, as I was too sick on Monday (the 1st) to actually teach so I used that day to rest and to get some last minute plans done. We officially started Tuesday, though I was still under the weather. I’m going to blame the blurriness of the above photos on my illness.
On an entirely different note, have you ever had a moment with one of your children you wish you could undo? I SO had one on that morning. My heart still cringes at the memory and I hesitate to write about it. But in the spirit of journaling the good and the bad, the wins and the losses, I will share.
Bailey had given me some crazy smiles and I finally had had enough. I fussed and he calmed to give me his natural, cute, toothless smile, pictured above.
Then it came time for Carson’s picture. I took one shot, the one you saw above, and thought he was being silly like Bailey had been. I said something like, ‘Carson, come on. Smile the right way.’ Nothing too stern. However, apparently Carson had been smiling the right way and I hurt his feelings. What’s worse is that he didn’t want us to know he had gotten his feelings hurt. Said he had gotten water in his eyes when he took a bath… I went on to Hayden who knew better than to act silly by this point (and he’s a natural ham, as well). I got the picture but my heart and mind were both focused on my heartbroken 3rd grader. Here’s what I saw when I glanced over at him…
In a split moment I took the joy out of his first day of 3rd grade and there was nothing I could do to fix it.
I got the boys all settled into their work and called Carson to his room. I hugged him, held him, and told him I was sorry. I did my best to convey that I was sorry and that I had assumed he was being silly after Bailey had acted silly. He assured me it was just “water from his bath” but of course, mommy knows, and the water returned to his eyes. Carson is unique in that when he is hurt, (physically or emotionally) he wants to recover on his own. He’ll go hide away in his room until he’s regained his composure. I left him to do so, and went back to the school day, kicking myself at having hurt Carson. My heart still hurts, though I know he has forgiven me.
We really had a nice day, in spite of that moment. I believe the tinges of pain I feel are mine alone… He has let it go and forgotten all about it. God is like that, I believe. He has no need to remember the times I’ve hurt him or disobeyed. I’m grateful that He is that way and that my Carson is, as well.